kc07

sighs....

this song very well speaks of a longing common to any human being...i believe that love is one the most important needs of mankind but it is something we long to receive more than to give...this song is a message of love...of how in vain we try to do things on our own only to find out later that we only need to cultivate love in our hearts...

i have loved this song the moment i heard it from the soundtrack of Music & Lyrics. in many ways, iwas able to identify the sentiments of the writer of this beautiful love song...i pray that i would always be conscious of this need to love others who are more needy than i am...who are longing & crying out for love...

Back into Love

I've been living with a shadow overhead

I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed

I've been lonely for so long

Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away

Just in case I ever need em again someday

I've been setting aside time

to clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love

I can't make it through without a way back into love

Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine

I've been searching but I just don't see the signs

I know that it's out there

There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light

Not somebody just to get me through the night

I could use some direction

And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love

I can't make it through without a way back into love

And if I open my heart again

I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

There are moments when I don't know if it's real

Or if anybody feels the way

I need inspiration

Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love

I can't make it through without a way back into love

And if I open my heart to you

I'm hoping you'll show me what to do

And if you help me to start again

You know that I'll be there for you in the end

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

hmmm...birthday girl

tuesday, january 16, 2007. this is the day i celebrated my 28th birthday...how time flies...

birthday girl..this is what one of my co-staff always call me since that day...would you believe it was my first time to celebrate my natal day with a cake?...i cried...because i was touched by the love of the people i have been with even if it was just over one year...i was touched by their gift...friendship & family.

i realized that the Lord has brought me to a place where i can be myself and be loved just the same...

isn't it a wonder?

i never expected i would have a cake that day...it was our last day in the conference and i was thinking i didn't have enough money to spend for these people who are just so wonderful...

i have so many things to be thankful for...

the Lord has been so good...He has given me opportunities where His name will be glorified...while it's true that my life doesn't always please Him, His grace is just so amazing that i have no words left to speak...

i can only thank Him, praise Him and offer to Him the best i got...my life...and it will never be enough...i know...but i'm glad to serve Him wherever He calls me...whenever...

to be shunned

how does it feel to be shunned?
when you are actually there but people do not see you...do not talk to you...do not take notice of you...

it's not really thinking about having an attention problem...it's knowing that there is an intentional act done to just see another person as wind...or maybe invisible...

it feels terrible...i know...that's how i feel right now and that's what's happening to me...being young among the presence of the old and knowledgeable is difficult...at times it would have been easier if you were just a simple person...less talk, less sin...less involvement, less pain...less love, less hurt...

and i wonder, i really do...how some people could go on living with another person without really minding about the other...

and right now, i am just as confused as possible...i don not know what i have done wrong...because no one is talking to me...i do not know if i am hated to deeply, it would might have been called wrath...i do not know why i have to endure this test...i do not know anything anymore...is it better not to know?

i only hope so

musings of a neohpyte

Landmarks of faith; Landscapes of grace

Musings of a Neophyte…

The past semester has given me a lot to think, pray & decide about. Of course, those things have been very much a part of who, why, & where I am. And looking back, I can see & say that it has only been because God is present that I was able to survive this world, both in this movement & well, in the true meaning of the term. I just turned one year in staff work last November 15. I could not believe that it happened all too soon marked by many things (both good and bad on my perspective). =)

How does it really feel to be a New Staff? It’s a mixture of all the feelings one can ever know. There’s this fear of the unknown and the unfamiliar. There’s also an undeniable excitement of working for the Lord. There’s a sense of insecurity of being surrounded by incredibly efficient and effective staff. There’s also a sense of challenge of proving one’s worth, sometimes at the cost of one’s physical condition & safety. There’s also a longing of approval, acceptance and belonging. A feeling of groping in the dark to find where one can best exercise gifts, talents and skills (if there are any) is real, sometimes very real that it makes one afraid of feeling that way. And so, I therefore conclude that a New Staff really has more confusion than assurance especially if added to all these feelings known is also a heavy sense of aloneness. But then, it never ends with those feelings but with the One who has called and therefore sustains & empowers. After all, everything goes back to the reason of why one is here in this place at this time. And so, with that in mind and in heart, I prayerfully took the challenge of being in this movement for such a time as this and by God’s grace to stay here as long as He says so.

My first year in staff is beautifully marked with the reality of faith and grace. I remember that bittersweet Tuesday last year when we had our prayer and fasting; not that we did not have anything to eat. The truth actually is the staff have not received their salary for almost a month and then I entered. And what really amazed me that time was that in the midst of a blunt recognition of poverty and helplessness, we were there worshipping the all-powerful and all-knowing God of the ages. And now, when I look back, I have this sense of awe and privilege of becoming a part of this family. Do I have any regrets? Yes, I do. I regret of not giving my all in terms of my service because there were times I had been so tired I just wanted to sleep. I regret of keeping my heart protected that I was not able to trust people with what I really feel. I regret the things and words that came out of me which have hurt others. I regret not being a woman of initiative because there had been many times I had waited for others to start when it could have come from me. I sometimes wonder why the Lord ever called me. I don’t deserve being here…and then I ask? Whoever deserved to be here anyway?

Before I get too engrossed in writing about my personal journey and discoveries, I would like to share tidbits of my assignments.

The four campuses I have been assigned to were Mapua, Imus Institute, Pamantasan ng Lungsod ng Maynila & PUP – Maragondon Ext’n. Two of my campus assignments are in Cavite and two are in Intramuros. I am really thankful to the Lord that the three campuses I handled were able to send delegates for the past Leadership – Discipleship Camp last October (3 from Imus Institute, 2 from PLM, and 4 from PUP – Maragondon). It is impossible to send delegates from Mapua because they have a different calendar than most of the schools in Manila. The dates of the IVCF camps coincide with their classes since the school has adopted a quarterly scheme. The delegates who were sent are potential leaders in their schools; some of them are already members of the Executive Committee; some are Bible Study & SG leaders. My times with the students have been very meaningful to me. I can say that being with them is really a challenge and a privilege. Time and time again, when I feel down or discouraged and I get to go and meet with my students, there is an overwhelming joy deep within me, a clear and deep conviction that this is my place to be…with them. It is such a great challenge to develop quality relationships with the student leaders in my campus assignments, as well as becoming their “older sister” (ate) if not their “mother” (nanay) at schools. But I guess, this is just a part of the crucial tasks laid upon my shoulders. More than being a sister or a mother to them, I also recognize the role of a mentor in the discipline of the Word and in being authentic in spirituality, translating the learnings into meaningful actions. In short, my life in its totality is already a lesson to them and so I am accountable to them by way of example and authenticity. And for me, this is a hard and painful process because I can say that I still have a long, long, long way to go. “Have mercy on me O Lord.” This is the cry of my heart each time I am faced with this reality of the ministry I have been called to do.

My heart overflows with thankfulness for how the Lord revealed His power and presence in IVCF through the LCDC. I was assigned to be the staff-in-charge of this camp as well as the adviser of the Manila Leaders Council who were the Executive Committee of the camp. In my heart, I was afraid. There were things I had been instructed to do and I felt that I would not be able to accomplish such a monstrous task of organizing a camp with the students. It turned out, I was wrong. I was struck hard on my face of the truth that the camp is not mine to run but of God. “Unless the Lord builds the house…” the Lord reprimanded me. His words have been my assurance that whatever we do in the camp, however we try with all our might to make it perfect, it is not ours. It is His. And because He is the Manager of the camp, our worries on finances and of other things were covered with His greatness. And for the record, we made it through with flying colors. Not as perfect as what others expected, maybe even not as grand but the Lord worked in the hearts of the campers and it’s what matters. More than how He spoke to the delegates is the way He has spoken to the counselors and to the Exec in the work that we did together.

If I try to enumerate the things I am thanking God for, this letter would not be able to contain them.

Let me share with you a few of the things that marked my 1^st year journey; things that I will always be thankful for:

~For divine protection in my travel to & fro to my campus assignments: there were times in the past months when I had to travel back to the staff house very late at night. I’m not saying that was a wise thing to do; I’m saying that despite my foolishness, the Lord has preserved me.

~For miraculous provision in times of need: there had been times I’m asked by my family to provide for an urgent need & the Lord always meets that need, whatever, whenever.

~For healing and sustenance: I have gotten sick a number of times since I entered staff work. My fellow staff are always worried of my health. I have weak lungs so if I try to overwork, I usually gets sick although not the worst ones, just cough & colds now & then. The Lord heals me every time and He also provides for vitamins and medicines.

~For wonderful times with my students, both in the campus & in the Manila Leaders Council. I would never trade the times I spend with them; so far this had been the best reason God has given me why he brought me here.

~For a very refreshing & challenging module – course under Dr. Charles Ringma at ATS. The course ‘Building Christian Communities’ strengthened my resolve to serve God even in places of suffering and pain. This class also affirmed the basic convictions and the flagship programs of IVCF to be an incarnation of the love of God and strive to be live as Christ did.

And as I prayerfully continue to participate in God’s work, will you please include me in your prayers?

~Pray with me as I consider resuming my Masteral Degree in PNU; that the Lord will give me wisdom in decisions.

~Pray that my brothers & I would be able to find a room to rent as I am considering to live and to spend time with them. We are looking for a place which will give us easy access to travel, as I will be traveling a lot to my campuses ; near the school where my brother is studying, Mapua & near our church, too (Jonathan, my second brother, is the youth pastor of the church I’m attending). My personal vision is to be able to reach students & non-students alike, in the area where the Lord will lead us.

~Pray for my parents & my two siblings who are now in Baguio, beginning a new ministry there. My father just turned 50 last Nov. 11. Please pray that they will all be in good health. Our fourth brother, Dave, stays in Naawan, Misamis Oriental. He is also in college, taking up Environmental Science in MSU – Naawan. Please pray that he will be safe and that God would provide for his needs.

For the coming season, may you always experience the joy that the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ has given. I pray that the Lord will speak to you afresh as He gives us more & more reasons to celebrate. God bless you!

“Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations; I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalms 46: 10

May we always seek to glorify God in every thing that we do, say & think.

for His glory,

~rachel

a long, long way to go

whoever said that there are shortcuts in every thing you would want to do the easiest possible way?

it looks to me at this point in my life that i still have a long way to go...in every aspect of my life known to me...

and whenever i get to realize this truth, i stop and rethink how i have been living my life nowadays...

have i been considerate and kind?
have i been tolerant and peaceloving?
have i been patient and loving?
have i been loving and forgiving?
have i been fair?
have i really listened?loved?laughed?
have i been courageous and disciplined?

most of the answers to the questions above will be a resounding and heartbreaking NO!!!

what a fool i am... to have believed that i can achieve something within my ability & power...it's as if i did have the ability...or the power...i neither have both...i am a wretched fool...and i need a huge serving of mercy & grace...

sometimes i really wonder why i am here....what am i doing here? i could have achieved more if i was there and not here...so many ifs and buts in my journey...so many things to look at...so many detours and suddenly i become aware that i have gone astray and has to go back to the right path...

what becomes of me and to the people i am directly in contact with lies solely in God...no more, no less...if he chooses me to be here...then it is because i am not exactly needed but i am wanted...it's such an honor....to be called not out of need but out of want...am i also doing it to 'them'? am i intentionally working on to help others experience Christ...him only...i don't think i am...and so i really am a long way to go to become like him...

i'm sleepy...

now it hit me...

endurance...
this word has haunted me for the past few days....
i was sure i would break because i will fail in this area...
the Lord has been very patient with me...enduring my complaints and my bad attitude...
and for the past week, another test of endurance came...
how will i ever learn? or is it that i am being prepared to endure...for what? when? what kind of circumstance will test me once more...
at this point, i am expectant of the future...changes that will challenge my capacity to endure...situations that will stretch me to the limit...and only God knows where & when & why... i wouldn't dare ask him... i might fail...and i guess, i am allowed to...

for three long days without electricity, phone line & cellphone battery, the Lord's grace allowed me to endure...he alone deserves the glory...if it were not of him, i would have given up long ago...

i would...i just know it...my human nature strong to my bones will surely force me to give up & surrender...

and just when i thought i am one enduring woman, i am slapped in the face of the reality that i have a log way to go in becoming one...

and the past days have been evidences of my lack of it...

floods, drivers & endurance

Flood, rain & drivers…& endurance

September will always mark a lot of memories in my heart. I have shared about what has happened to me last Tuesday, September 5. The past day is the 9^th of September and this will be another landmark for me. Tonight, I go home once more at 1am, an inappropriate time to come home for a single lady in her late twenties. And in this week, I have had two opportunities of trusting God for my life and for what is to come.

I never realized how foolish I had been for keeping on doing the things that place my life in danger. Well, it never occurred to me that it is a foolish thing. I reason that if I am experiencing these, I should be honored because in one way or another, it draws me closer to God. I guess in some sort I have acquired my mother’s courage and boldness in traveling alone as well as traveling in the dark. When I was young about 4 or 5 years old, my mother who has not finished her high school degree would walk 7 kilometers of rough road and a very dark on at that when she goes home after her evening classes. There were times when she would bring me to town and I will wait for her until her classes are done and we’ll walk the 7-kilometer road towards our cottage somewhere in the midst of the forest of Montevista, Davao. Most of the times, there is no moon to light our way so what we do is prepare a kind of torch made up of dried coconut leaves tied together and we usually hide them while going to town on certain assumed places where the last torch will die out. It was fun. I was able to hide some torches and get them before we are totally absorbed by darkness not to mention we had to pass by some “haunted areas, trees and spots” as well as a hut in the midst of the long distance we travel rumored to be a house of a monster/ogre of some sort. I believed all the stories because every time we had to pass by all those places, I usually feel different with butterflies in my stomach and the hair at the back of my neck would just stand up and I shiver. There was even a night when we accidentally came upon some NPA rebels. They walked with us for some time and told my mother strongly not to travel alone again at night. But then, it has made me wonder of these adventures and I would say that I had gained confidence in traveling even alone because of my night walks with my mother. And I even anticipate these things but of course with fear. She is really one brave woman.

So why do I write about that? It’s pretty much the background of why I have learned to travel alone and even at night. And even as I recall those experiences, I just feel I owe it to my mother for being brave yet faithful. And were it not for those times I have spent with her, I wouldn’t have been the person that I am now or will ever be.

And so arriving for the second time at around 1am is something that troubled me. I realized that there is a powerful lesson behind these: endurance. A miraculous word I have been allowed to carry with me wherever I am. And a powerful lesson I always need to learn. Perhaps I still lack endurance because I am still being tested in this area, much to my dismay. When I think of my adventures and struggles, I think of myself as a woman of endurance. And yet, I have been given two long nights to learn about it once more.

I endured almost 1 ½ hour in the middle of the pouring rain, holding steadfastly to my umbrella even if is also dripping wet and dropping rain water on my head. I endured an FX ride for three hours amidst the flood and seemingly impossible situation last night. And if I really did have enough courage to venture into the night, I would have gotten off and walked to wherever my feet led me. But I did not. And I was amazed at my own determination to stay inside the vehicle despite the knowledge that we are running out of diesel and the driver seemed to be having some serious emotional & mental problems. It was exasperating to hear him mumble out loud that he does not know if we’ll make it through the areas we have passed by or how he desperately tells us that he should have waited for the flood to subside and we could have waited in España and have gone home safer. He was so unsure of what he was doing and I was contemplating on taking the wheel and driving it myself. I was actually thinking that I was a lot braver than he is. Prayer was my only companion all through that night. I was praying for the rain to stop, for the flood to subside, for the diesel to last longer, for the driver to be braver than usual, for me to get home early, for the people to be disciplined in disposing their garbage, for the government to do something about these floods. It was a night to remember. I have never seen a driver so unsure of what and where are. I have never seen a flood like it in my life in Manila, let alone experience its unique effect over me. I was torn between feeling pity for the driver and getting annoyed at his attitude. I told myself that I will really remember his face so I never get to ride in his FX again….hahaha. Because I was annoyed at him, I forgot to say ‘thank you’ to him. I was planning to but I got carried away. I uttered a thanksgiving prayer for him when I was already on a jeepney going home. I was one ungrateful lady.

And when I was sure I can go home safely, I asked God why he allowed me to go through two nights of undeniable test of patience & endurance. The reality hit me! I have never learned it totally. Yes, I can wait for a person for one hour when he/she is late for an appointment, but deep inside I am not glad in waiting. I do not find it enjoyable and I can hear someone say ‘true.’ It is not an easy way of getting what you have prayed for and it will never be easier the longer it takes one to wait. I have often thought of myself as an enduring person, but the two nights that passed, I realized I have never been into a real test of endurance and I have no right to say that I can endure anything. What a life! A very exciting life awaits me, I know it. And maybe, just maybe I could learn more of endurance if I learn to be wise and enjoy the situations the Lord so lovingly brings to me.

Where do these things lead me now? How have they affected my walk with God as well as my work? Well, for a start I will try to be wise to sleep in Cavite during my campus visits there. And I guess, it still leaves me in full expectation of how the Lord keeps and will keep me in His hands while I am doing the things I believe I am called to do. It doesn’t matter really whether I be in danger or not, what matters for me is the truth that the Lord’s hand is ever ready to help and protect and that He will not let me get hurt unless it is for His glory.

one unforgettable day

september 5...a tuesday...a not so ordinary tuesday...
waking up on a tuesday and a sunny day at that is a blessing...as well as waking up on any other day of the week...i was excited...we'll be having another series of Bible Study on the book of Psalms...this is going to be fun! and it was...our text was Psalm 33 and we even had a short liturgy before starting on the study of the said psalm...as usual, our business meeting was done after the BS...and before 5pm, i left the office to go to one of my campus assignments in Cavite. It took me more than two hours to travel and get there...Our meeting started at 8:30pm and ended @9:30pm. I led the closing prayer for the night...asked God that we be able to arrive safely home...that was a prayer i voiced for myself, too. It's 10:30pm on my watch as I took the bus to Lawton. I could not sleep...there are a number of things running inside my head...i wonder why they never get tired anyway...hehehe...

and then... surprise!!!
getting off from the bus @ Lawton, rain was already pouring so hard i had to fold my denim pants up to my knees...as i was crossing the street, a jeepney and an fx passed by and showered me with flood water...hmmmmm....nice try...i was amused though..but inside me i believed i would get a nice jeepney ride home and be able to beat my special curfew of 11:30pm.

It turned out...i did beat the curfew...only it was the latest i could get home...alone and wet and terribly sad...

as i am writing this, i just arrived and washed from the flood, changed and drank milk...and sat down and decided to write about this experience for my sanity's sake...

while i was waiting for the jeep, the rain was so generous...really...pouring so hard that the water seeped through my 80-peso-umbrella and caused droplets to fall all over me...my pants which were folded were already wet up to my knees...i could feel the cold slowly creeping through my pores and i was already watching the shadows of the trees behind me knowing that there will be unwanted & dangerous company even if it was raining hard...i kept on telling myself that i'll be able to get a ride before 11pm...and it came to pass...11pm is no more...the clock slowly ticked till 1145...and still i was there a lone woman waiting for a jeepney bound to proj2-3. I couldn't believe it was happening because i have tried to go home during a typhoon and i got a ride after 20 minutes...and now, for seconds that seemed to last forever, i couldn't find a single jeep...i was tempted to take the cubao bound jeepney and decided against it...i did not want to walk in the outskirts of Araneta to take another ride to Kamuning...and so i chose to practice my patience...and all through those minutes, i was praying, watching for a jeep, texting my housemates, looking in the shadows and singing...i still did not get a ride...hmmmm...i wondered, what are you trying to teach me Lord? i was beginning to get angry...aside from the reality of the fear i was trying to avoid, i was also on the brink of tears...the rain was still generous, not stopping a bit nor getting less...and the jeepneys and the taxis and the fx's and the private cars and four-wheel-drives were all splashing flood water to me no matter how far i step back...the flood was getting higher..i was getting anxious...and then a man passed by me and told me to wait for a ride where a lot of people were also waiting...he was a rough looking guy...and hearing him say that i need to transfer before i get into trouble brought me back to my senses...i followed him wholeheartedly even if it meant that i had to walk a hundred meters from where i stood and wade through the flooded streets...he was heaven-sent...

and still...i did not get a ride...
it's already 12mn when i finally saw the jeepney...boy, was i glad...i almost asked the driver, 'what took you so long' but of course i did not have the courage to say that...i was just relieved...i almost cried...

i had not realized that my adventure for the night has yet to begin...
it has been a well known fact that espana is never a dry passage when it rains...it wasn't and worse...lo and behold! it was really flooded up to the knees of an average person...oh well...the driver was so cool...he just kept on driving as if there was no water aound us...and i, on the other hand, kept on praying that we be able to cross the long road of espana...and we did... praise God!!! was that another praise item on my list...

fighting my sleepiness...and exhaustion, i realized that while i was sitting ther inside the jeepney that i just got a prayer answered...i was safe as what i have prayed for and have always prayed for...i arrived @1am in our staffhouse...wet, almost sleeping, almost crying and very relieved...

for all the adventures i have had ever since i took the assignment in cavite, i realized how the Lord has kept me safe...i'm such a stubborn person...and i usually do not heed other people's suggestion that i spend the night in Cavite...i need to go home, i always say...and in countless times, i have proven over and over again, that my God is ever-watchful of me...that was one of lessons i learned during our BS...that our God watches over us...He watches over me...my help comes from the Lord...Maker of heaven and earth...

and so, this wonderful day has begun and ended with a note of reminder from the Lord...it doesn't really depend on circumstance...thanking God is matter of faith...trusting in His wisdom even if i do not feel secure...

Caught in the flurry of transition & other inevitable circumstances

I would like to believe that a transition is the next best thing to happen in one’s life. Although, as I have witnessed and as I am witnessing right now, it does not always go through a wonderful process. What do I expect? A transition in flying colors? Sounds pathetic.

I have always believed that change is a powerful motivator. But why does it not motivate me now? Why do I feel scared and insecure? Why am I close to being downhearted and discouraged? Am I not capable of adjusting to change? Have I forgotten that there are only two constant in this world; God and change? Have I lost the true essence of life and have actually ventured into the familiar so I get to feel safe?

Growing up in the ministry life, I have always hoped for some consistency; to be able to go down deep with my roots in every aspect possible. As a missionary pastor’s kid, our family has been and will be expecting more changes than possible. A change in location is the most familiar one of course and then a change in relationships, establishing contacts and connections even if we know we might just be temporarily staying. As a child, I often wondered why we get to live this kind of life. And I think, it is only now that I am beginning to realize why I was and I am a restless spirit (hehe). I have been uprooted several times from different places and from different people. It’s an amazement how I was able to survive this kind of life and not realize that I have suffered severely from it although there seems to be no trace of angst on my part. I usually get to express my indifference whenever I am alone doing the work or merely thinking.

In a way, I could see that my life and the work I have chosen to do has left me shredded into pieces and I am not sure whether I still am capable of putting myself together so as not to be insane (haha). I guess it is a miserable truth to ponder and yet I don’t think I really have a choice, do I? Sometimes, I feel I have been really blessed to have experienced what I think is a not so common experience to everyone living on earth. As if I have the most unique experience of all. And now, I slowly begin to understand where this fatigue of change has been coming from. I feel like being a child again. The future unknown and on the brink of a transfer I so dreadfully try to be excited about but I couldn’t feel any excitement nor any happiness inside. Instead, in the midst of this war of transition, I fearfully await the unfamiliar, the uncertain.

I am not wondering anymore. I am waiting with this nagging fear of not being able to continue and to take the easiest way out or maybe just become blind and deaf to all these. But I cannot. I, at least, should make a stand. And I think it’s going to be a lot painful than I can imagine. Standing tall so you get to see the effects when you are ahead of the others in terms of experience and duration. If the circumstances were any different than this, what would have I done? I have known even before entering this movement that I will never ever feel secure in it. It is the stark reality of it all. And yet, I know deep within me that I was not called to be secure in the movement. I was called to be secure in God, in His Word. He is my Firm Foundation as the song goes. And in many ways more than one, I know I have failed once again to acknowledge that ‘the One who has called me is faithful’; much as I would like to run away from this, there is no way out.

And so, what do I do amidst this war. Do I take sides? I would have loved to and until now, I still have not decided what to make of these ideas, transitions and a lot more other things. It feels so heavy even just taking time to think about them

I know, I am experiencing a ‘change fatigue’. At least now, I know why I feel like this. And I think processing this realization would take time so I can move on and accept that what is happening is necessary and inescapable.

I lay my case to rest for now.

mahirap sagutin...

"bakit ka nagstaff?" "talaga, staff ka na?" "so what made you decide to be a staff?" "sigurado ka ba dyan?" kumusta ang support mo?"

these are just some of the questions that are very hard for me to answer...not that they are hard to answer in any way...

i just find it difficult to always say the same things over and over again....

however, i have decided that this is where i should be...and so, when i get to hear those kinds of questions, sometimes i just smile and do my best to say the things that pop in my head...

in many ways, i realized that i have become tired of hearing the questions again and again and because of this tiredness, i really, really dread to hear them....

kung pwede nga lang na umiwas sa mga taong nagtatanong...
but what can i do?
i have no means of escape....
nor i have a chance to do so...
because it is always required of me to give an answer as soon as possible...whether i like it or i like it....

i really don't have a choice really....


if i ever did, i would have run away to the nearest mountain or cave.... for refuge...


funny though, that even the thought of running away seem to be far of....
because i usually encounter the questions in unexpected places and from unexpected people.....


so what now?

is there a right or a wrong answer anyway?


will i be given a failing grade if i did not answer the way they expected me to?


hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...


i think....i reflect....

i think again....

i reflect again....

to what effect does this insecurity of answering such questions affect my life?

mahirap sagutin eh...basta ganon...mahirap


i dont know.... i'm not even sure if the previous question was right?



or maybe, i have failed to be truthfully open with people.....

just maybe, i have lost that feeling of dependence to people...


i have lost the trust.... i don't trust people anymore as i should be doing.....


i think it will fall back to the reality that i have been utterly hurt before......


by people whom i thought were worthy to be trusted....


i guess in some ways, i have become too cautious even in opening myself....


primarily because, i believe that there are people out there waiting to get a hold of what i hold dear in my heart....


so i have actually learned not to tell stories about who i really am...and i did not dare to initiate telling any kind of story for that matter....

i just feel that my stories are worth only telling if they are to be kept and cherished preciously as i do....

what makes me sing?

in the silence of the night
i sleep and dream
of things so far from home
so far from my heart
yet i long to linger in dreams
for inside them
i know is a distance i need to cover
and so upon waking i write
a song that might be about
what i dreamed the night before
and then try to sing it
before even really making it
what makes one sing?
even when there is no reason to sing about
or maybe no reason to write about
is it because there is no other way to express
one's thoughts and longings?
is it because of the truthfulness that a person
can take when writing?
is it because there is great fear in speaking?
is it because you an always erase what you wrote and you can't do that when you speak?
which is better?
to write or to speak?
to lead or to follow?
to sing or to dance?
to remain in silence or create noise?
to sit still or to stand and deliver?
is it not that there is a perfect time for things to be done?
will it make a difference if i was not a writer and i wrote?
or if i am not a singer and i sing?
or if i am not a dancer yet i dance?
why did i write this?

a new favorite

I Never Knew Love - Lovi Poe

I open my eyes, only to see
Just how sad this world could be
That i often cry alone...oohhh

I look at the sky, longing to see
There's a chance out there for me
For my heart to be set free...

Refrain:
My friends had say that it's ok
When rainbow's fade in clouds of gray
But in my heart i know someday
True happiness will come my way...

Chorus:
I never knew love till i found you
It's magic in your smile
Never knew love till i saw you lookin' in my eyes
And suddenly our sadness disappears
True love has fin'lly shown its smilin' eyes on me...

I'm searching the skies hopin' to see
If there's someone out there for me
Who will set my poor heart free...
(repeat refrain then chorus)

No ones believe that love was just a fairytale
But each time you hold me
Those fairytales come true...on you
(repeat chorus)

a song of my heart...

knowing you...

Knowing You Jesus
Graham Kendrick

All I once held dear, built my life upon,
All this world reveres and wars to own;
All I once thought gain I have counted loss,
Spent and worthless now compared to this.

Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You
There is no greater thing.
You're my all, You're the best,
You're my joy, my righteousness,
And I love You Lord.

Now my heart's desire is to know You more,
To be found in You and know as Yours,
To possess by faith what I could not earn
All surpassing gift of righteousness

Oh to know the power of Your risen life,
And to know You in Your sufferings;
To become like You in Your death, my Lord,
So with You to live and never die.

Philippians 3: 7-10
7But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ 9and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. 10I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

You are my all in all...how could i ever exchange you with what i think is best for me?

have you ever?

a call to surrender

wouldn't it be great if i had everything i need?
wouldn't it be grand if my wishes were granted?
wouldn't it be nice if things always worked out
just the way i would have wanted them to be?

wouldn't it be good if everyone was a friend?
wouldn't it be better if people just care?
wouldn't it be cool if friends are always there?
wouldn't it be? wouldn't it be?

i guess, there are things in life i never will understand
yet i seek to know, to grasp, to comprehend
i know deep inside life isn't easy, nor isn't it fair
but why do i still hope that things will get better?

today, the work just seem so easy,
i even think this too shall pass away
a longing, a feeling, a hungering of spirit
a never ending search for meaning
the end of the beginning

if this is all there is to life
i guess it has never been worth it
if this is all there is to hope
i guess everything has been in vain

i could say with a deep anger & sorrow
that it would just have been good
if there was no tomorrow
but could i really deny it?

so what do i do?
do i just sit and wait for eternity
or do i seek opportunities work
to serve, to love, to sacrifice...

the call is not easy...
the call is to die...
the call is not for one's self
the call is for others to be helped
the call requires life
it also requires death
it requires suffering
it requires everything...

how much have i surrendered?
how much have i offered?
how much am i willing to give?
how much i am willing to receive?

can i take it?
can i drink the cup?
can i carry the cross?
can i deny myself?
CAN I?

favorites...

these songs have been sung with more conviction...with a whole new meaning...

Be Thou my Vision

Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me save that thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping thy presence my light.

Be thou my wisdom, thou my true word
I ever with thee, thou with me, Lord
Thou my great Father, I thy true Son
Thou in me dwelling, and I with thee one.

Be thou my battle shield, sword for the fight
Be thou my dignity, thou my delight
Thou my soul's shelter, thou my high tower
Raise thou me heavenward, O power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise
Thou mine inheritance, now and always
Thou and thou only, first in my heart
High King of heaven, my treasure thou art.

High King of heaven, after victory won
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's sun
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall
Still be my vision, O ruler of all.

I Cannot Tell - W Y Fullerton

I cannot tell why He, whom angels worship
Should set His love upon the sons of men
Or why, as Shepherd, He should seek the wanderers
To bring them back, they know not how or when.
But this I know, that He was born of Mary
When Bethlehem's manger was His only home,
And that He lived at Nazareth and labored,
And so the Savior, Savior of the world is come.

I cannot tell how silently He suffered,
As with His peace He graced this place of tears,
Or how His heart upon the cross was broken,
The crown of pain to three and thirty years.
But this I know, He heals the broken-hearted,
And stays our sin, and calms our lurking fear,
And lifts the burden from the heavy laden,
For yet the Savior, Savior of the world, is here

I cannot tell how He will win the nations,
How He will claim His earthly heritage,
How satisfy the needs and aspirations
Of east and west, of sinner and of sage.
But this I know, all flesh shall see His glory,
And He shall reap the harvest He has sown,
And some glad day His sun shall shine in splendor
When He the Savior, Savior of the world, is known

I cannot tell how all the lands shall worship
When, at His bidding, every storm is stilled,
Or who can say how great the jubilation
When all the hearts of men with love are filled.
But this I know, the skies will thrill with rapture,
And myriad, myriad human voices sing,
And earth to heaven, and heaven to earth, will answer:
At last the Savior, Savior of the world, is King

so how does it feel to be in the hands of Someone?

isang panalangin

A Prayer Before Study (St. Thomas Aquinas)

ineffable Creator...
You are proclaimed
the true font of light and wisdom
and the primal origin
raised high beyond all things...

Pour forth a ray of Your brightness
into the darkened places of my mind;
disperse from my soul
the twofold darkness
into which i was born:
sin and ignorance.

You make eloquent the tongues of infants.
Refine my speech
and pur forth upon my lips
the goodness of Your blessing.

Grant to me
keenness of mind,
capacity to remember,
skill in learning,
subtlety to interpret,
and eloquence in speech.

May you
guide the beginning of my work,
direct its progress,
and bring it to completion.
You Who are true God and true Man,
Who live and reign, world without end.

Amen.

-Lord grant me a heart full of openness that i may not be too rigid nor too fluid in the way i relate and work with others...

sa pagsulat

nagsusulat ako ng kanta
mahirap kapag di mo matapos
paminsan-minsan lang naman ito
pero sa palagay ko,
magtatagal pa bago ko tuluyang matapos
mahasa ang kakayahang ito

wala lang
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para lang may nasasabihan ako