to be shunned

how does it feel to be shunned?
when you are actually there but people do not see you...do not talk to you...do not take notice of you...

it's not really thinking about having an attention problem...it's knowing that there is an intentional act done to just see another person as wind...or maybe invisible...

it feels terrible...i know...that's how i feel right now and that's what's happening to me...being young among the presence of the old and knowledgeable is difficult...at times it would have been easier if you were just a simple person...less talk, less sin...less involvement, less pain...less love, less hurt...

and i wonder, i really do...how some people could go on living with another person without really minding about the other...

and right now, i am just as confused as possible...i don not know what i have done wrong...because no one is talking to me...i do not know if i am hated to deeply, it would might have been called wrath...i do not know why i have to endure this test...i do not know anything anymore...is it better not to know?

i only hope so

musings of a neohpyte

Landmarks of faith; Landscapes of grace

Musings of a Neophyte…

The past semester has given me a lot to think, pray & decide about. Of course, those things have been very much a part of who, why, & where I am. And looking back, I can see & say that it has only been because God is present that I was able to survive this world, both in this movement & well, in the true meaning of the term. I just turned one year in staff work last November 15. I could not believe that it happened all too soon marked by many things (both good and bad on my perspective). =)

How does it really feel to be a New Staff? It’s a mixture of all the feelings one can ever know. There’s this fear of the unknown and the unfamiliar. There’s also an undeniable excitement of working for the Lord. There’s a sense of insecurity of being surrounded by incredibly efficient and effective staff. There’s also a sense of challenge of proving one’s worth, sometimes at the cost of one’s physical condition & safety. There’s also a longing of approval, acceptance and belonging. A feeling of groping in the dark to find where one can best exercise gifts, talents and skills (if there are any) is real, sometimes very real that it makes one afraid of feeling that way. And so, I therefore conclude that a New Staff really has more confusion than assurance especially if added to all these feelings known is also a heavy sense of aloneness. But then, it never ends with those feelings but with the One who has called and therefore sustains & empowers. After all, everything goes back to the reason of why one is here in this place at this time. And so, with that in mind and in heart, I prayerfully took the challenge of being in this movement for such a time as this and by God’s grace to stay here as long as He says so.

My first year in staff is beautifully marked with the reality of faith and grace. I remember that bittersweet Tuesday last year when we had our prayer and fasting; not that we did not have anything to eat. The truth actually is the staff have not received their salary for almost a month and then I entered. And what really amazed me that time was that in the midst of a blunt recognition of poverty and helplessness, we were there worshipping the all-powerful and all-knowing God of the ages. And now, when I look back, I have this sense of awe and privilege of becoming a part of this family. Do I have any regrets? Yes, I do. I regret of not giving my all in terms of my service because there were times I had been so tired I just wanted to sleep. I regret of keeping my heart protected that I was not able to trust people with what I really feel. I regret the things and words that came out of me which have hurt others. I regret not being a woman of initiative because there had been many times I had waited for others to start when it could have come from me. I sometimes wonder why the Lord ever called me. I don’t deserve being here…and then I ask? Whoever deserved to be here anyway?

Before I get too engrossed in writing about my personal journey and discoveries, I would like to share tidbits of my assignments.

The four campuses I have been assigned to were Mapua, Imus Institute, Pamantasan ng Lungsod ng Maynila & PUP – Maragondon Ext’n. Two of my campus assignments are in Cavite and two are in Intramuros. I am really thankful to the Lord that the three campuses I handled were able to send delegates for the past Leadership – Discipleship Camp last October (3 from Imus Institute, 2 from PLM, and 4 from PUP – Maragondon). It is impossible to send delegates from Mapua because they have a different calendar than most of the schools in Manila. The dates of the IVCF camps coincide with their classes since the school has adopted a quarterly scheme. The delegates who were sent are potential leaders in their schools; some of them are already members of the Executive Committee; some are Bible Study & SG leaders. My times with the students have been very meaningful to me. I can say that being with them is really a challenge and a privilege. Time and time again, when I feel down or discouraged and I get to go and meet with my students, there is an overwhelming joy deep within me, a clear and deep conviction that this is my place to be…with them. It is such a great challenge to develop quality relationships with the student leaders in my campus assignments, as well as becoming their “older sister” (ate) if not their “mother” (nanay) at schools. But I guess, this is just a part of the crucial tasks laid upon my shoulders. More than being a sister or a mother to them, I also recognize the role of a mentor in the discipline of the Word and in being authentic in spirituality, translating the learnings into meaningful actions. In short, my life in its totality is already a lesson to them and so I am accountable to them by way of example and authenticity. And for me, this is a hard and painful process because I can say that I still have a long, long, long way to go. “Have mercy on me O Lord.” This is the cry of my heart each time I am faced with this reality of the ministry I have been called to do.

My heart overflows with thankfulness for how the Lord revealed His power and presence in IVCF through the LCDC. I was assigned to be the staff-in-charge of this camp as well as the adviser of the Manila Leaders Council who were the Executive Committee of the camp. In my heart, I was afraid. There were things I had been instructed to do and I felt that I would not be able to accomplish such a monstrous task of organizing a camp with the students. It turned out, I was wrong. I was struck hard on my face of the truth that the camp is not mine to run but of God. “Unless the Lord builds the house…” the Lord reprimanded me. His words have been my assurance that whatever we do in the camp, however we try with all our might to make it perfect, it is not ours. It is His. And because He is the Manager of the camp, our worries on finances and of other things were covered with His greatness. And for the record, we made it through with flying colors. Not as perfect as what others expected, maybe even not as grand but the Lord worked in the hearts of the campers and it’s what matters. More than how He spoke to the delegates is the way He has spoken to the counselors and to the Exec in the work that we did together.

If I try to enumerate the things I am thanking God for, this letter would not be able to contain them.

Let me share with you a few of the things that marked my 1^st year journey; things that I will always be thankful for:

~For divine protection in my travel to & fro to my campus assignments: there were times in the past months when I had to travel back to the staff house very late at night. I’m not saying that was a wise thing to do; I’m saying that despite my foolishness, the Lord has preserved me.

~For miraculous provision in times of need: there had been times I’m asked by my family to provide for an urgent need & the Lord always meets that need, whatever, whenever.

~For healing and sustenance: I have gotten sick a number of times since I entered staff work. My fellow staff are always worried of my health. I have weak lungs so if I try to overwork, I usually gets sick although not the worst ones, just cough & colds now & then. The Lord heals me every time and He also provides for vitamins and medicines.

~For wonderful times with my students, both in the campus & in the Manila Leaders Council. I would never trade the times I spend with them; so far this had been the best reason God has given me why he brought me here.

~For a very refreshing & challenging module – course under Dr. Charles Ringma at ATS. The course ‘Building Christian Communities’ strengthened my resolve to serve God even in places of suffering and pain. This class also affirmed the basic convictions and the flagship programs of IVCF to be an incarnation of the love of God and strive to be live as Christ did.

And as I prayerfully continue to participate in God’s work, will you please include me in your prayers?

~Pray with me as I consider resuming my Masteral Degree in PNU; that the Lord will give me wisdom in decisions.

~Pray that my brothers & I would be able to find a room to rent as I am considering to live and to spend time with them. We are looking for a place which will give us easy access to travel, as I will be traveling a lot to my campuses ; near the school where my brother is studying, Mapua & near our church, too (Jonathan, my second brother, is the youth pastor of the church I’m attending). My personal vision is to be able to reach students & non-students alike, in the area where the Lord will lead us.

~Pray for my parents & my two siblings who are now in Baguio, beginning a new ministry there. My father just turned 50 last Nov. 11. Please pray that they will all be in good health. Our fourth brother, Dave, stays in Naawan, Misamis Oriental. He is also in college, taking up Environmental Science in MSU – Naawan. Please pray that he will be safe and that God would provide for his needs.

For the coming season, may you always experience the joy that the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ has given. I pray that the Lord will speak to you afresh as He gives us more & more reasons to celebrate. God bless you!

“Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations; I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalms 46: 10

May we always seek to glorify God in every thing that we do, say & think.

for His glory,

~rachel