a long, long way to go

whoever said that there are shortcuts in every thing you would want to do the easiest possible way?

it looks to me at this point in my life that i still have a long way to go...in every aspect of my life known to me...

and whenever i get to realize this truth, i stop and rethink how i have been living my life nowadays...

have i been considerate and kind?
have i been tolerant and peaceloving?
have i been patient and loving?
have i been loving and forgiving?
have i been fair?
have i really listened?loved?laughed?
have i been courageous and disciplined?

most of the answers to the questions above will be a resounding and heartbreaking NO!!!

what a fool i am... to have believed that i can achieve something within my ability & power...it's as if i did have the ability...or the power...i neither have both...i am a wretched fool...and i need a huge serving of mercy & grace...

sometimes i really wonder why i am here....what am i doing here? i could have achieved more if i was there and not here...so many ifs and buts in my journey...so many things to look at...so many detours and suddenly i become aware that i have gone astray and has to go back to the right path...

what becomes of me and to the people i am directly in contact with lies solely in God...no more, no less...if he chooses me to be here...then it is because i am not exactly needed but i am wanted...it's such an honor....to be called not out of need but out of want...am i also doing it to 'them'? am i intentionally working on to help others experience Christ...him only...i don't think i am...and so i really am a long way to go to become like him...

i'm sleepy...

now it hit me...

endurance...
this word has haunted me for the past few days....
i was sure i would break because i will fail in this area...
the Lord has been very patient with me...enduring my complaints and my bad attitude...
and for the past week, another test of endurance came...
how will i ever learn? or is it that i am being prepared to endure...for what? when? what kind of circumstance will test me once more...
at this point, i am expectant of the future...changes that will challenge my capacity to endure...situations that will stretch me to the limit...and only God knows where & when & why... i wouldn't dare ask him... i might fail...and i guess, i am allowed to...

for three long days without electricity, phone line & cellphone battery, the Lord's grace allowed me to endure...he alone deserves the glory...if it were not of him, i would have given up long ago...

i would...i just know it...my human nature strong to my bones will surely force me to give up & surrender...

and just when i thought i am one enduring woman, i am slapped in the face of the reality that i have a log way to go in becoming one...

and the past days have been evidences of my lack of it...