floods, drivers & endurance

Flood, rain & drivers…& endurance

September will always mark a lot of memories in my heart. I have shared about what has happened to me last Tuesday, September 5. The past day is the 9^th of September and this will be another landmark for me. Tonight, I go home once more at 1am, an inappropriate time to come home for a single lady in her late twenties. And in this week, I have had two opportunities of trusting God for my life and for what is to come.

I never realized how foolish I had been for keeping on doing the things that place my life in danger. Well, it never occurred to me that it is a foolish thing. I reason that if I am experiencing these, I should be honored because in one way or another, it draws me closer to God. I guess in some sort I have acquired my mother’s courage and boldness in traveling alone as well as traveling in the dark. When I was young about 4 or 5 years old, my mother who has not finished her high school degree would walk 7 kilometers of rough road and a very dark on at that when she goes home after her evening classes. There were times when she would bring me to town and I will wait for her until her classes are done and we’ll walk the 7-kilometer road towards our cottage somewhere in the midst of the forest of Montevista, Davao. Most of the times, there is no moon to light our way so what we do is prepare a kind of torch made up of dried coconut leaves tied together and we usually hide them while going to town on certain assumed places where the last torch will die out. It was fun. I was able to hide some torches and get them before we are totally absorbed by darkness not to mention we had to pass by some “haunted areas, trees and spots” as well as a hut in the midst of the long distance we travel rumored to be a house of a monster/ogre of some sort. I believed all the stories because every time we had to pass by all those places, I usually feel different with butterflies in my stomach and the hair at the back of my neck would just stand up and I shiver. There was even a night when we accidentally came upon some NPA rebels. They walked with us for some time and told my mother strongly not to travel alone again at night. But then, it has made me wonder of these adventures and I would say that I had gained confidence in traveling even alone because of my night walks with my mother. And I even anticipate these things but of course with fear. She is really one brave woman.

So why do I write about that? It’s pretty much the background of why I have learned to travel alone and even at night. And even as I recall those experiences, I just feel I owe it to my mother for being brave yet faithful. And were it not for those times I have spent with her, I wouldn’t have been the person that I am now or will ever be.

And so arriving for the second time at around 1am is something that troubled me. I realized that there is a powerful lesson behind these: endurance. A miraculous word I have been allowed to carry with me wherever I am. And a powerful lesson I always need to learn. Perhaps I still lack endurance because I am still being tested in this area, much to my dismay. When I think of my adventures and struggles, I think of myself as a woman of endurance. And yet, I have been given two long nights to learn about it once more.

I endured almost 1 ½ hour in the middle of the pouring rain, holding steadfastly to my umbrella even if is also dripping wet and dropping rain water on my head. I endured an FX ride for three hours amidst the flood and seemingly impossible situation last night. And if I really did have enough courage to venture into the night, I would have gotten off and walked to wherever my feet led me. But I did not. And I was amazed at my own determination to stay inside the vehicle despite the knowledge that we are running out of diesel and the driver seemed to be having some serious emotional & mental problems. It was exasperating to hear him mumble out loud that he does not know if we’ll make it through the areas we have passed by or how he desperately tells us that he should have waited for the flood to subside and we could have waited in España and have gone home safer. He was so unsure of what he was doing and I was contemplating on taking the wheel and driving it myself. I was actually thinking that I was a lot braver than he is. Prayer was my only companion all through that night. I was praying for the rain to stop, for the flood to subside, for the diesel to last longer, for the driver to be braver than usual, for me to get home early, for the people to be disciplined in disposing their garbage, for the government to do something about these floods. It was a night to remember. I have never seen a driver so unsure of what and where are. I have never seen a flood like it in my life in Manila, let alone experience its unique effect over me. I was torn between feeling pity for the driver and getting annoyed at his attitude. I told myself that I will really remember his face so I never get to ride in his FX again….hahaha. Because I was annoyed at him, I forgot to say ‘thank you’ to him. I was planning to but I got carried away. I uttered a thanksgiving prayer for him when I was already on a jeepney going home. I was one ungrateful lady.

And when I was sure I can go home safely, I asked God why he allowed me to go through two nights of undeniable test of patience & endurance. The reality hit me! I have never learned it totally. Yes, I can wait for a person for one hour when he/she is late for an appointment, but deep inside I am not glad in waiting. I do not find it enjoyable and I can hear someone say ‘true.’ It is not an easy way of getting what you have prayed for and it will never be easier the longer it takes one to wait. I have often thought of myself as an enduring person, but the two nights that passed, I realized I have never been into a real test of endurance and I have no right to say that I can endure anything. What a life! A very exciting life awaits me, I know it. And maybe, just maybe I could learn more of endurance if I learn to be wise and enjoy the situations the Lord so lovingly brings to me.

Where do these things lead me now? How have they affected my walk with God as well as my work? Well, for a start I will try to be wise to sleep in Cavite during my campus visits there. And I guess, it still leaves me in full expectation of how the Lord keeps and will keep me in His hands while I am doing the things I believe I am called to do. It doesn’t matter really whether I be in danger or not, what matters for me is the truth that the Lord’s hand is ever ready to help and protect and that He will not let me get hurt unless it is for His glory.

one unforgettable day

september 5...a tuesday...a not so ordinary tuesday...
waking up on a tuesday and a sunny day at that is a blessing...as well as waking up on any other day of the week...i was excited...we'll be having another series of Bible Study on the book of Psalms...this is going to be fun! and it was...our text was Psalm 33 and we even had a short liturgy before starting on the study of the said psalm...as usual, our business meeting was done after the BS...and before 5pm, i left the office to go to one of my campus assignments in Cavite. It took me more than two hours to travel and get there...Our meeting started at 8:30pm and ended @9:30pm. I led the closing prayer for the night...asked God that we be able to arrive safely home...that was a prayer i voiced for myself, too. It's 10:30pm on my watch as I took the bus to Lawton. I could not sleep...there are a number of things running inside my head...i wonder why they never get tired anyway...hehehe...

and then... surprise!!!
getting off from the bus @ Lawton, rain was already pouring so hard i had to fold my denim pants up to my knees...as i was crossing the street, a jeepney and an fx passed by and showered me with flood water...hmmmmm....nice try...i was amused though..but inside me i believed i would get a nice jeepney ride home and be able to beat my special curfew of 11:30pm.

It turned out...i did beat the curfew...only it was the latest i could get home...alone and wet and terribly sad...

as i am writing this, i just arrived and washed from the flood, changed and drank milk...and sat down and decided to write about this experience for my sanity's sake...

while i was waiting for the jeep, the rain was so generous...really...pouring so hard that the water seeped through my 80-peso-umbrella and caused droplets to fall all over me...my pants which were folded were already wet up to my knees...i could feel the cold slowly creeping through my pores and i was already watching the shadows of the trees behind me knowing that there will be unwanted & dangerous company even if it was raining hard...i kept on telling myself that i'll be able to get a ride before 11pm...and it came to pass...11pm is no more...the clock slowly ticked till 1145...and still i was there a lone woman waiting for a jeepney bound to proj2-3. I couldn't believe it was happening because i have tried to go home during a typhoon and i got a ride after 20 minutes...and now, for seconds that seemed to last forever, i couldn't find a single jeep...i was tempted to take the cubao bound jeepney and decided against it...i did not want to walk in the outskirts of Araneta to take another ride to Kamuning...and so i chose to practice my patience...and all through those minutes, i was praying, watching for a jeep, texting my housemates, looking in the shadows and singing...i still did not get a ride...hmmmm...i wondered, what are you trying to teach me Lord? i was beginning to get angry...aside from the reality of the fear i was trying to avoid, i was also on the brink of tears...the rain was still generous, not stopping a bit nor getting less...and the jeepneys and the taxis and the fx's and the private cars and four-wheel-drives were all splashing flood water to me no matter how far i step back...the flood was getting higher..i was getting anxious...and then a man passed by me and told me to wait for a ride where a lot of people were also waiting...he was a rough looking guy...and hearing him say that i need to transfer before i get into trouble brought me back to my senses...i followed him wholeheartedly even if it meant that i had to walk a hundred meters from where i stood and wade through the flooded streets...he was heaven-sent...

and still...i did not get a ride...
it's already 12mn when i finally saw the jeepney...boy, was i glad...i almost asked the driver, 'what took you so long' but of course i did not have the courage to say that...i was just relieved...i almost cried...

i had not realized that my adventure for the night has yet to begin...
it has been a well known fact that espana is never a dry passage when it rains...it wasn't and worse...lo and behold! it was really flooded up to the knees of an average person...oh well...the driver was so cool...he just kept on driving as if there was no water aound us...and i, on the other hand, kept on praying that we be able to cross the long road of espana...and we did... praise God!!! was that another praise item on my list...

fighting my sleepiness...and exhaustion, i realized that while i was sitting ther inside the jeepney that i just got a prayer answered...i was safe as what i have prayed for and have always prayed for...i arrived @1am in our staffhouse...wet, almost sleeping, almost crying and very relieved...

for all the adventures i have had ever since i took the assignment in cavite, i realized how the Lord has kept me safe...i'm such a stubborn person...and i usually do not heed other people's suggestion that i spend the night in Cavite...i need to go home, i always say...and in countless times, i have proven over and over again, that my God is ever-watchful of me...that was one of lessons i learned during our BS...that our God watches over us...He watches over me...my help comes from the Lord...Maker of heaven and earth...

and so, this wonderful day has begun and ended with a note of reminder from the Lord...it doesn't really depend on circumstance...thanking God is matter of faith...trusting in His wisdom even if i do not feel secure...

Caught in the flurry of transition & other inevitable circumstances

I would like to believe that a transition is the next best thing to happen in one’s life. Although, as I have witnessed and as I am witnessing right now, it does not always go through a wonderful process. What do I expect? A transition in flying colors? Sounds pathetic.

I have always believed that change is a powerful motivator. But why does it not motivate me now? Why do I feel scared and insecure? Why am I close to being downhearted and discouraged? Am I not capable of adjusting to change? Have I forgotten that there are only two constant in this world; God and change? Have I lost the true essence of life and have actually ventured into the familiar so I get to feel safe?

Growing up in the ministry life, I have always hoped for some consistency; to be able to go down deep with my roots in every aspect possible. As a missionary pastor’s kid, our family has been and will be expecting more changes than possible. A change in location is the most familiar one of course and then a change in relationships, establishing contacts and connections even if we know we might just be temporarily staying. As a child, I often wondered why we get to live this kind of life. And I think, it is only now that I am beginning to realize why I was and I am a restless spirit (hehe). I have been uprooted several times from different places and from different people. It’s an amazement how I was able to survive this kind of life and not realize that I have suffered severely from it although there seems to be no trace of angst on my part. I usually get to express my indifference whenever I am alone doing the work or merely thinking.

In a way, I could see that my life and the work I have chosen to do has left me shredded into pieces and I am not sure whether I still am capable of putting myself together so as not to be insane (haha). I guess it is a miserable truth to ponder and yet I don’t think I really have a choice, do I? Sometimes, I feel I have been really blessed to have experienced what I think is a not so common experience to everyone living on earth. As if I have the most unique experience of all. And now, I slowly begin to understand where this fatigue of change has been coming from. I feel like being a child again. The future unknown and on the brink of a transfer I so dreadfully try to be excited about but I couldn’t feel any excitement nor any happiness inside. Instead, in the midst of this war of transition, I fearfully await the unfamiliar, the uncertain.

I am not wondering anymore. I am waiting with this nagging fear of not being able to continue and to take the easiest way out or maybe just become blind and deaf to all these. But I cannot. I, at least, should make a stand. And I think it’s going to be a lot painful than I can imagine. Standing tall so you get to see the effects when you are ahead of the others in terms of experience and duration. If the circumstances were any different than this, what would have I done? I have known even before entering this movement that I will never ever feel secure in it. It is the stark reality of it all. And yet, I know deep within me that I was not called to be secure in the movement. I was called to be secure in God, in His Word. He is my Firm Foundation as the song goes. And in many ways more than one, I know I have failed once again to acknowledge that ‘the One who has called me is faithful’; much as I would like to run away from this, there is no way out.

And so, what do I do amidst this war. Do I take sides? I would have loved to and until now, I still have not decided what to make of these ideas, transitions and a lot more other things. It feels so heavy even just taking time to think about them

I know, I am experiencing a ‘change fatigue’. At least now, I know why I feel like this. And I think processing this realization would take time so I can move on and accept that what is happening is necessary and inescapable.

I lay my case to rest for now.