pieces

Dory: You mean ... you mean you don't like me?

Marlin: No, of course I like you. It's because I like you I don't want to be with you. It's a complicated emotion. (Finding Nemo)

How would you respond if you were Dory? Is it not a bit confusing? Marlin's statement is contradictory. The usual notion is that, when we like someone, we want to be with them. Our liking to a person is synonymous to our spending time with him or her. But because we are complicated beings & very inconsistent at times, we tend to say one thing but mean something else or the worst is that we say something but our actions don't match. I will not fail to mention that we are fallen. We fell into sin. And therefore, our tireless efforts can never contribute to the aching in one's heart because the work of our hands is never enough.

Devastated. That's what one feels in rejection. It is a difficult place to be at. The place of nonacceptance, of not belonging, of being not-good-enough (or at times, too good to be true) or simply being taken for granted. It is a sad and a painful lot to bear when the person who rejected you had promised he wouldn't. Maybe it was unintentional or probably circumstantial. Maybe he was left with no choice. Whatever the reason, to be left in the place of being rejected is heart breaking.

And yes, people may not realize this but all of us had been rejected, one time or another. And pieces of our lives, our hearts scatter around as we try to put our old self together, stand up and start over again. The process is not always easy. It was never easy. But it will always be worth it. To pick up the pieces of a life or a heart shattered to be restored again in a more precious state than ever. I guess the beauty will not be in its wholeness but in its brokenness and fragility. There is beauty in brokenness. It is not easy to find it but when one does, its like finding something you can be thankful for every day. And yet, whether we admit it or not, we have rejected somebody else, too. We might have caused pain to another human being with or without our intentions. But there is somebody else we never usually think we reject but we do. 

I am a Bible-believing Christian. I believe that the Word of God not only gives us Laws but more than the Law are the stories. Stories of people from virtually all walks of life in the Bible told in a different light. In the Scriptures I read the stories of people who are the most unlikely candidate for a chosen nation, who have the most unqualified persons in history who ever lived and they were part of Jesus' lineage. They are not very-nice people. Yet God chose them; accepted them; loved them; cared for them; preserved them; protected them. And we read from the Scriptures how time and again, these people commit sin- they do not acknowledge the Lord and they turn to idols. But when they are in trouble, they remember the Lord and call on them. How many times do they do this? It's countless. And yet, countless times, the Lord comes to their aid and rescues them. And then the whole cycle begins again. Can you imagine the pain they caused the Lord? And the truth is, we, too, are very much like them. And yet the Lord never stops to care. He never tires of waiting for us to come back. He picks us up no matter how broken we are as soon as we let Him. He restores the pieces of our lives to make it whole again. And only He has the power to do that.

When I refuse to let the Lord work His way in me, am i not rejecting His Lordship? When i refuse to obey His commands, am i not rejecting His Laws? When i doubt His promises and take matters into my own hand, am i not rejecting His power? Every day and unaware, we reject the Lord in one way or another. But the beautiful thing is that the Lord never gets devastated by our rejection. (It doesn't mean we should keep on doing it though. There is justice.) The beautiful thing is that we are always given a chance to start over; to obey again; to listen again; to love again; to trust again. That's grace in its truest sense. Giving something to someone who never deserved it in the first place. Pastor Mark Driscoll puts this in simple words. He said, "We deserve hell. Everything else is a gift. And that's a lot of gifts." I could never agree more.

But wait. Here's more.  We are never alone in our suffering. We have the One who has suffered on our behalf more than 2000 years ago and was tempted in every way praying for us, mediating for us, standing on our behalf as we live our lives day after day after day. And He never changes. He understands. He's been through it and He will go through it with you for He is Emmanuel, God with us, ever present, ever loving, ever powerful God. What more could one ask for?

So go ahead, pick up the pieces and let Him have it. He shall make something more beautiful out of it. He shall mend your heart and restore your joy. He promised. And His promises are never broken. Take heart. You are on your way to healing. Smile again. 

moving on...

'A heart can be broken; but it keeps beating just the same." (Fried Green Tomatoes)

... it's Valentine's Day but unlike the others, i spent this day facing my laptop to prepare for a talk... it's not that i'm wishing for someone to ask me out... i simply want to spend the day resting since this week will be really busy... i found myself so busy - thinking, writing and printing all sorts of things... the only good thing i remember doing is sleeping till around 10am...

preparing the talk was what occupied my mind and i didn't even care that my heart wasn't really into it... while doing so, i thought of famous movie lines as my introduction for it... and then i came upon some of my favorite lines... i felt a bit strange reading them when i was not mindful of them before... and for some time now, i who has been recovering from a heartbreak felt that so many of them really touched some nerves...

the one i quoted above became my favorite today... indeed, a broken heart doesn't stop beating and i realized, i'm still alive... heartbreaks may become a part of anyone's life but there is still life... it's amazing how the heart can bear such pain and still beat life to a person's body... it dawned on me that life never stopped for me when i was hurt or when my heart was broken... it continued... there is hope to move on... a courage to face each day even if memories intrude the mind every now and then and tears spring from my eyes, life has not ended and therefore i have hope...

reading the book of Job nowadays, i feel ashamed of how i treat the pain i have gone through... there is no way my broken heart compares to what happened to him... sometimes pain can force you to look upon yourself and the trouble you're in... you forget to look up and thank God for whatever He has blessed you with... even if pain is troublesome, it is good that we can feel it still... there are some who are not blessed to feel pain anymore... and i wonder if they feel the pain of a broken heart... the lepers for example do not feel pain anymore... i wonder if they feel a heartbreak... hmmmm... just a thought...

however painful it may be... a heart that once was broken will one day heal and maybe, learn to love again... the lesson has been learned... and there will be another test... maybe even harder than the first... and the will must surrender or a terrible heartbreak happens again... another breaking... but living still...

so what will it be? a whole heart beating or a broken heart living?

desperate cries

Crying is a sign of life not of weakness for ever since we were born, crying proved we are alive.

And so, it is such a misjudgment when one is regarded as a weakling because he or she cries. I guess too many of us associate crying to helplessness or sorrow or weakness... While that may be true at some point, it doesn't always apply to every situation where you find tears flowing from one's eyes. Crying because of so much joy; crying because of anger; crying because of a surprise or at times because of fear... you see, we are given the ability to cry so that we can express different emotions when the need arises.

There are also times when our tears come out as a natural reaction of our body to several stimuli. If a speck of dust or pollen falls to our eyes, tears flow to wash it out and to clear & clean our eyes of the impurities...

so there you have it, tears do not mean weakness... i would say, they signify strength... haha

A Song for December

Some songs do really get into me. And this song is one of them. I feel how the writer has been terribly broken yet she longs to start afresh. That's why December must be gotten through.. so the New Year can come in and bring new beginnings...

Get Me Through December

Allison Krauss

Writer: SAMPSON, GORDIE / LAVERY, FRED

How pale is the sky that brings forth the rain
As the changing of seasons prepares me again
For the long bitter nights and the wild winter's day
My heart has grown cold, my love stored away
My heart has grown cold, my love stored away

I've been to the mountain, left my tracks in the snow
Where souls have been lost and the walking wounded go
I've taken the pain no girl should endure
Faith can move mountains; of that I am sure
But faith can move mountains; of that I am sure

Just get me through December
A promise I'll remember
Get me through December
So I can start again

No divine purpose brings freedom from sin
And peace is a gift that must come from within
I've looked for the love that will bring me to rest
Feeding this hunger beating strong in my chest
Feeding this hunger beating strong in my chest

Get me through December
A promise I'll remember
Get me through December
So I can start again

...monks, mountains, miracles

The last weekend found me in a bus to a secluded place in Malaybalay, Bukidnon. The six-hour travel by bus did not really bore me. There was a lot in mind. I was also sleepy because it was very early in the morning when i left the house. Part of the trip was spent in reminiscing what i have gone through the past year. Part of is was spent sleeping & a part of it just gazing in the rich scenery which lay before me. Some parts of it were spent crying & wishing things were different as they are nowadays. That trip was my way of letting go & burying something that died within me. It felt that way although i still feel the sting of the pain. The wound i believe isn't fully healed. In the recovery process, it will still be painful. Hopefully, the pain will get lesser & lesser as the days go by.

The monk who received me and welcomed me in the monastery was very jovial & noisy. I thought monks were very quiet. He wasn't. Haha... But i instantly took a liking to him even if he's the most talkative monk i have ever met. Father Elias - he was not the usual monk you see in such places. I would say he's a cut above the rest. But he, in his jolly personality & in leaving me alone to deal with my pain & silence, taught me a lot of things about life. I thank the Lord for his example of devotion & commitment to the call he received from the Lord. His devotion to the contemplative life is really worth  of notice. I would say he's one brilliant man in the world before he chose this life of silence, solitude.

Ora et labora. Prayer & work... this is their motto... in praying,we are working. in working, we are praying. And in these words, Psalm 46:10 rightly fits... Being still in the presence of the Lord and know that He is God. What better way of being still than by praying. What better way of knowing God is there than praying. In the silence & solitude of their work assignments, there is a calmness, an attitude of contentment & satisfaction in just being there... being present with God. In their prayers, i see that they are really at peace with their lot, with their call. How i wish i would be like them... perfectly satisfied wherever i am...

In the past few months, i have been restless.. my heart was not focused on the Lord. My mind wandered. I was in love with a man who i thought was the one i would share my life with. I was wrong. I opened my heart only to find myself closing its door again. No luck in love... Maybe i wasn't made for it? I don't know the answer. But in the mountain of Bukidnon, in the monastery, i found a soul who had been hurt more deeply & badly than mine. Her marriage fell apart because her husband is gay - desecrating even their home with his homosexual practices. What could be worse than that? When i met Ate G, i was drawn to her pain. Drawn with the way she cried... Oh, how she cried. She was deeply, badly hurt. Her children, all grown ups now, gave her permission to finally move on & leave their father. How could such bitter thing happen to her? I wonder... and i look at myself and realize, my situation doesn't even come close to hers. She steadily reminded me to not shut love off in my life. Even if a very painful thing happened to her, she never told me to not love... but she carefully reminded me to be very careful. Choose wisely & love again.

It was a miracle. Of all the places to hear such words, it was there in the silence of the mountains & the clouds rolling by, occasionally disturbed by the tolling of bells... and my, how they sound... you would really be deaf to not notice or hear. Haha...

In that place, coffee was abundant. I loved it. I would say that coffee helped in soothing my wounded heart. One of the best in the world is their coffee - Monk's Blend. I loved it - the smell, the taste... the aroma waffling through the dining hall... hahaha... Coffee for the soul....

I want to thank the Almighty for letting me go there... for providing people who have open hearts & generous hands to sponsor my travel & retreat... it was a place of refuge, retreat & refreshment for me... God really knows what we need... :)

...of pens & papers...

I have not written here since 2007.
What made me write again?
Well, a couple of reasons.
First, i am compelled to put my thoughts & feelings into words again... Going through a painful experience does that... when you can't talk and there's no one to talk to, at times...
Second, i believe i needed to have my writing skills put into practice again not just in my journal but also here... who knows? by doing this, i might become a better writer...
Third, i believe that writing is my gift and i need to use it... not just for my own sake but also for the sake of my Master... the One who gave me the ability to write... i cannot just leave it unpracticed...
Fourth, i hope to encourage others with what i write... to somehow identify with people... because after all, we share some experiences common to man...
Fifth, i just want to bring glory to my King... be it in writing or whatever it is that He leads me to do...

:) that's all for now... will be blogging soon... again...

... a song for a wedding...

A friend of mine who's getting married this December asked me write a song for her when she marches down the aisle... I took it as a privilege of writing love songs - a thing i had stopped doing since high school. Here's the song... i hope to have it recorded someday... :)

Worth the Wait

jacobslove

Intro: A – E – D – E

A                E                D                     E                             A   E-D-E

I’ve often wondered how Adam’s face lit up when he saw Eve

A                      E          D                     E                              A E-D-E

Did he stare in space, afraid to move, so awed beyond belief?

F#m                    C#m                              D               E

And now walking on this aisle I begin to understand

F#m                C#m                D               E

How it was between the first woman and man…

Chorus 1

                        A                 E               D         E

For you are worth the wait, you are worth the wait

            D                     A

The Lord led me to love you

            Bm                  E

The way He had loved me

                  A             E                   D               E

You are worth the wait, you are worth the wait

D                           A                    D                 E

Today with everyone we share, today we celebrate

                        A – E – D – E

For you are worth the wait

A                                  E                      D                        E

Was Ruth apprehensive as she started out to gather stalks of

A          - E – D – E

wheat?

A                      E          D                     E                      A – E – D – E

Was Boaz captivated seeing her working in his field?

F#m                            C#m                       D                              E

In God’s sovereign will and plan He brought them to each other

F#m                            C#m                            D                     E

They trusted and they waited for the day they’ll be together

Bridge

D                                 A                      D                     A

Right now before the altar, right now before the cross

            D                          A                 G                      E

We’ll share this love we have in obedience to God’s call

        D               A                         D                A

And as I walk upon this aisle to say ‘I do’ to you

            D                     A                      G                                  E

We’ll live our lives in worship to the One who’s seen us through…

repeat Chorus 1 then

Chorus 2

                        A                 E               D                     E

And you are worth the wait, you are worth the wait

D                                 A

Today I’ll pledge my love for you

        D                             A

To God be all the glory due

            Bm                       C#m

We’ll follow Him our whole life through

D                     E          A – E – D – E – A

Worth the wait are you… (2x)

lullabye of grace

Hello po! Kumusta po kayo? Another school year has passed. We face yet another year of being with the students, meeting them at their points of need, sharing to them life stories, events & learning. Let me share to you some thoughts & stories gathered as I have journeyed this far.

Whispers of Grace
Kawayan Camp ’07 has just come to a close. For a field staff like me, this was another experience of God’s abundant grace, provision & faithfulness. He is indeed the God who calls & where He calls He sustains. Praise His Name!

Being in the EXEC (first time) has taught me a lot of lessons. Learnings about work & balance, grace & consistency, love & discipline, humility & mistakes, people & humanity compose my KC07 experience. There were times when I asked God why I was placed in a position I felt I didn’t fit. And I am always humbled…it’s not what I can do, but what He can do through my willingness to be used. The Lord is glorified in my weaknesses for there He works powerfully for His Name’s sake. What more can I ask? There is much greater things to see here than meets the eye. So I am quieted by His reassuring grace. He will work in ways far beyond what my mind can imagine. He did.

After KC, we had a short trip to Boracay. That was my first time to be there. I thank the Lord for Gerlen who had welcomed us to their home. We stayed in Roxas and went to Boracay for an overnight getaway. Took some pictures and a little swimming experience. It was a wonderful privilege.

When I look back at my KC experience, I can see & declare how God’s hand of grace is ever present, constantly & consistently at work in the lives of the students, of all of us & most significantly in mine. He deserves all the praise & the glory!

Remembrances
As this school year approaches, I rejoice in remembering how the Lord has sustained my weakening heart. My second year in staff work is coming to a close. And even as I face this year with all the uncertainties it is bringing, I choose to remember Him who called me; He who promised to be faithful.

The past year was hard. Transitions are never easy; I can say that with a deep conviction. The ‘year that was’ has left me wanting for more answers but I have been asking more questions instead. How do I make sense of all the realities surrounding life in staff work? Oh well…I sigh. The Lord’s grace saw me through all these before so I choose to hope and trust in Him. He who promised is faithful! Amen!

As this journey continues, I choose to bring with me this song that caught me unaware of the overwhelming grace of God.

Made Me Glad

I will bless the Lord forever
I will trust Him at all times
He has delivered me from all fear
He has set my feet upon a rock
I will not be moved
And I'll say of the Lord


You are my shield, my strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need

Whom have I in heaven but You
There's none I desire beside You
You have made me glad
And I'll say of the Lord

You are my shield, my strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need

I’ve just finished reading ‘RUN WITH HORSES’ by Eugene Peterson, a book which spoke volumes about Jeremiah’s life as a prophet, as a human, as a servant of God. Reading the book has given me several things to think about specifically in this line of work. What really struck me was the part where he reflected on practicality & hope. My favorite lines are: “Hope acts on the conviction that God will complete what He has begun even when the appearances, especially when the appearances, oppose it.”; “It takes courage to have hope. But it is the only practical action that survives the decay of the moment and escapes the scrapheap of yesterday’s fashion.” This book led me to remember who I really am. And so I move forward with every little bit of hope I can muster.

Hopes
Hopeful, that’s what I am right now. With this hope, it is my prayer that the Lord would strengthen my feeble hands & weakening heart. This coming year is going to be another journey of faith with Him. =)

“Put out into the deep.” This has been the constant reminder I have received from the Lord in my moments with Him. I remember Kuya Herman’s exposition in our staff conference last January where he shared about Peter’s experience of walking on water; how the Lord had beckoned him and yet he still doubted and sank. Help me pray for courage to ‘venture into the deep’ as this new school tear opens up before me.

Trusting God for His sovereign wisdom, would you pray with me for the following?

1. Financial support in joining OMF’s AFMC (Asian Frontiers Missions Conference) this August 24 – 27 in Jakarta, Indonesia; raising around $350 for my registration fee, air fare & pocket money.
2. Wisdom & creativity in training student-leaders in my new assignments this year.
3. My brother’s on-going medication for primary complex; he needs to be healthy for his upcoming elbow operation.
4. Gracious heart & steadfast spirit.

I would like to know how you’ve been. It would be nice to hear from you & how the Lord has graced your life nowadays. Please email me at grace1679@gmail.com. It would be an honor & a great privilege to pray with & for you.

“So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever.” 2 Cor. 4: 16-18






Trusting still,
rachel

a song of new depths

As If We Never Said Goodbye
(Barbara Streisand)

I don’t know why I’m frightened
I know my way around here
The cardboard trees, the painted scenes, the sound here.
Yes a world to rediscover,
But I’m not in any hurry
And I need a moment.

The whispered conversations in overcrowded hallways,
The atmosphere as thrilling here as always
Feel the early morning madness
Feel the magic in the making
Why everything’s as if we never said goodbye.

I’ve spent so many mornings
Just trying to resist you
I’m trembling now
You cant know how I’ve missed you,
Missed the fairy-tale adventures
In this ever-spinning playground
We were young together.

I’m coming out of make-up
The lights already burning,
Not long until the cameras will start turning
And the early morning madness
And the magic in the making...
Yes, everything is as if we never said goodbye.

I don’t want to be alone that’s all in the past,
This worlds waited long enough,
I’ve come home at last!

And this time will be bigger,
And brighter than we knew it.
So watch me fly, we all know I can do it...
Could I stop my hand from shaking?
Has there ever been a moment with so much to live for?

The whispered conversations in overcrowded hallways,
So much to say not just today but always.
Well have early morning madness.
Well have magic in the making.
Yes, everything is as if we never said goodbye...
Oh, please don’t ever, ever make me say goodbye!!!