Caught in the flurry of transition & other inevitable circumstances

I would like to believe that a transition is the next best thing to happen in one’s life. Although, as I have witnessed and as I am witnessing right now, it does not always go through a wonderful process. What do I expect? A transition in flying colors? Sounds pathetic.

I have always believed that change is a powerful motivator. But why does it not motivate me now? Why do I feel scared and insecure? Why am I close to being downhearted and discouraged? Am I not capable of adjusting to change? Have I forgotten that there are only two constant in this world; God and change? Have I lost the true essence of life and have actually ventured into the familiar so I get to feel safe?

Growing up in the ministry life, I have always hoped for some consistency; to be able to go down deep with my roots in every aspect possible. As a missionary pastor’s kid, our family has been and will be expecting more changes than possible. A change in location is the most familiar one of course and then a change in relationships, establishing contacts and connections even if we know we might just be temporarily staying. As a child, I often wondered why we get to live this kind of life. And I think, it is only now that I am beginning to realize why I was and I am a restless spirit (hehe). I have been uprooted several times from different places and from different people. It’s an amazement how I was able to survive this kind of life and not realize that I have suffered severely from it although there seems to be no trace of angst on my part. I usually get to express my indifference whenever I am alone doing the work or merely thinking.

In a way, I could see that my life and the work I have chosen to do has left me shredded into pieces and I am not sure whether I still am capable of putting myself together so as not to be insane (haha). I guess it is a miserable truth to ponder and yet I don’t think I really have a choice, do I? Sometimes, I feel I have been really blessed to have experienced what I think is a not so common experience to everyone living on earth. As if I have the most unique experience of all. And now, I slowly begin to understand where this fatigue of change has been coming from. I feel like being a child again. The future unknown and on the brink of a transfer I so dreadfully try to be excited about but I couldn’t feel any excitement nor any happiness inside. Instead, in the midst of this war of transition, I fearfully await the unfamiliar, the uncertain.

I am not wondering anymore. I am waiting with this nagging fear of not being able to continue and to take the easiest way out or maybe just become blind and deaf to all these. But I cannot. I, at least, should make a stand. And I think it’s going to be a lot painful than I can imagine. Standing tall so you get to see the effects when you are ahead of the others in terms of experience and duration. If the circumstances were any different than this, what would have I done? I have known even before entering this movement that I will never ever feel secure in it. It is the stark reality of it all. And yet, I know deep within me that I was not called to be secure in the movement. I was called to be secure in God, in His Word. He is my Firm Foundation as the song goes. And in many ways more than one, I know I have failed once again to acknowledge that ‘the One who has called me is faithful’; much as I would like to run away from this, there is no way out.

And so, what do I do amidst this war. Do I take sides? I would have loved to and until now, I still have not decided what to make of these ideas, transitions and a lot more other things. It feels so heavy even just taking time to think about them

I know, I am experiencing a ‘change fatigue’. At least now, I know why I feel like this. And I think processing this realization would take time so I can move on and accept that what is happening is necessary and inescapable.

I lay my case to rest for now.